where the rest of us go to feel normal
RECOVERY: Expectation vs ….. Reality

icanspell-konfusion-withak:

image

6 days ago | 89 notes
insiders: Katie Janessa // 6

insiders: Katie Janessa // 6

1 week ago | 21 notes
You are meant to fight. When you are sick, your body fights for its right to function. When you hold your breath, your body fights for its right to breathe. There are billions of tiny events—from the surface of your skin, down to the very cells of your body—that have to happen in order for you to be simply sitting here today. If your most minuscule parts haven’t given up yet,

Why should you?

~ n.t. 

1 week ago | 76,443 notes

HOME! HOME! HOME! ….omg it’s Hoooooome.  I miss it so much!

1 week ago | 15,192 notes
…..just a little nod to all our girly-girls.  I kinda feel a little bad for them.  We posted a photo on instagram the other day of us at age seven (because we’d just shown it to Stefanie since that’s the age we were for the memories we’re processing), annnnd we were wearing a dress.  And, it was funny because when I was talking to Jenn *cough* Jess, it donned on me that we REALLY wore mostly flannel, airwalks and everything else 90s grunge back then.  Yet, here we were in this very girly dress and didn’t feel uncomfortable.  We were SO many vastly different parts all the time.  *I* as Nikhi remember living in my grunge clothes, but I KNOW others inside actually LIKED that dress.  It wasn’t just like we were forced into it for a school picture.  This remained true for so much of our life.  Though we were no longer allowed to look “sloppy” as per my parents’ demands as we got older (no more grunge); for many insiders, they enjoyed dressing that way.  They liked the dresses and the argyle sweaters and sleek dressy/business pants for away games.  But *I* remember jeans and boys polos.  We were more dominantly dressed in feminine attire our teenage years, but some of the rest of us got out moments here and there.  By the time we were 19 we were FINALLY allowed to more continuously wear our edgier clothes that we wanted to wear all along, instead of just some of the time — but we occasionally dressed nice.  Even in our twenties, Kristie still frequently put on a dress.  They weren’t overly feminine and had more of a kitschy feel to it sometimes — or even somehow a punk-in-a-dress edge to it when she’d put her chucks or combat boots on with it.  ….but it happened a lot.  Holidays we VERY easily slipped into dressed.  They, again, weren’t “girly”, but they were a “she cleans up nice” for everyone’s favourite outdated-skaterpunk-badass.  But, when I saw us in that dress in a photo, I realized that alllll our dresses and things Kristie OFTEN alternated out into over the summers especially just to cool down not only haven’t EVER been touched in years, but they would feel SO WEIRD if we even put them on.  I literally CANNOT imagine THIS body in a dress right now.  Even this collection of really nice winter sweaters, they would feel like they were bought for a different BODY.  We wore some of them even in some of our earlier videos, and I can’t possibly comprehend some of those articles on this body anymore.  I think she would wriggle and writhe with discomfort.  And no one OUTSIDE has seen anything like that in so long, THEY would be thrown for a loop.  It’s like when you see the most athletic girl in school have to put a dress on for some occasion and no matter how hard you try you can’t get used to it.  It doesn’t “look good” because it’s too busy “looking wrong”. …like it’s someone playing dress up while drunk at some party just for the polaroids.  That’s what it would feel like.  Like we were just a boy playing in some girls clothes as a joke.  I don’t even think we could take ourselves serious in some of their older favourite clothes.  Which is kinda a little sad to me.  …for them, that is.  *I* wouldn’t ever want to be caught dead in them again.  But, I know how much I HATED being trapped in those dresses and how much we felt we stood out initially when we put on the “then-skater” “pac sun girl” kinds of clothes (because the “punk/borderline-goth” clothes we wanted to wear at the time would’ve been completely forbidden) for the first time.  So, I can only imagine they’re feeling the same.  Especially when we now have a hairstyle that can’t really be made feminine.  Maybe that’s what would make it look so wrong.  We always kept our hair able to at least be styled to a “softer look” to appease my parents.  But lately it’s hard to make it look “girly”.  So, we’d look so ODD in a dress when we clearly scream dyyyyyyke!  Baha. It’s so true, though.  Like, this picture above….?  There was a time we would’ve worn something like that and NOT just for a photo.  And would be in a stitch of convulsive laughter if something like that was ever put on this body again because it would just look SO. WRONG.  …..so this is to my girly girls.  I’m sorry that we’ve deviated SO far from that and are finally feeling safe enough to be more us.  I’m sorry it’s been that way for just long enough that we can’t conceive of wearing/presenting as you feel most comfortable.  We still don’t dress quite like we want because it’s still not totally safe to do so, but I know for many inside it’s still much too much.  And, I remember how hard that was for me back then. ….but they’re still riddled with old beliefs/messages/scripts that dressing as we are right now will get us hurt.  So they aren’t just feeling misrepresented, but often terrified and threatened and endangered.  I never had to worry about that while I was being “misrepresented”, because they were doing our parents “proud”.
So, this if for you girls.  Charlie, Katie, Molly, Sarah, Abby, Emily, Addie, Rachael, Sydney, Sinead.  <333

…..just a little nod to all our girly-girls.  I kinda feel a little bad for them.  We posted a photo on instagram the other day of us at age seven (because we’d just shown it to Stefanie since that’s the age we were for the memories we’re processing), annnnd we were wearing a dress.  And, it was funny because when I was talking to Jenn *cough* Jess, it donned on me that we REALLY wore mostly flannel, airwalks and everything else 90s grunge back then.  Yet, here we were in this very girly dress and didn’t feel uncomfortable.  We were SO many vastly different parts all the time.  *I* as Nikhi remember living in my grunge clothes, but I KNOW others inside actually LIKED that dress.  It wasn’t just like we were forced into it for a school picture.  This remained true for so much of our life.  Though we were no longer allowed to look “sloppy” as per my parents’ demands as we got older (no more grunge); for many insiders, they enjoyed dressing that way.  They liked the dresses and the argyle sweaters and sleek dressy/business pants for away games.  But *I* remember jeans and boys polos.  We were more dominantly dressed in feminine attire our teenage years, but some of the rest of us got out moments here and there.  By the time we were 19 we were FINALLY allowed to more continuously wear our edgier clothes that we wanted to wear all along, instead of just some of the time — but we occasionally dressed nice.  Even in our twenties, Kristie still frequently put on a dress.  They weren’t overly feminine and had more of a kitschy feel to it sometimes — or even somehow a punk-in-a-dress edge to it when she’d put her chucks or combat boots on with it.  ….but it happened a lot.  Holidays we VERY easily slipped into dressed.  They, again, weren’t “girly”, but they were a “she cleans up nice” for everyone’s favourite outdated-skaterpunk-badass.  But, when I saw us in that dress in a photo, I realized that alllll our dresses and things Kristie OFTEN alternated out into over the summers especially just to cool down not only haven’t EVER been touched in years, but they would feel SO WEIRD if we even put them on.  I literally CANNOT imagine THIS body in a dress right now.  Even this collection of really nice winter sweaters, they would feel like they were bought for a different BODY.  We wore some of them even in some of our earlier videos, and I can’t possibly comprehend some of those articles on this body anymore.  I think she would wriggle and writhe with discomfort.  And no one OUTSIDE has seen anything like that in so long, THEY would be thrown for a loop.  It’s like when you see the most athletic girl in school have to put a dress on for some occasion and no matter how hard you try you can’t get used to it.  It doesn’t “look good” because it’s too busy “looking wrong”. …like it’s someone playing dress up while drunk at some party just for the polaroids.  That’s what it would feel like.  Like we were just a boy playing in some girls clothes as a joke.  I don’t even think we could take ourselves serious in some of their older favourite clothes.  Which is kinda a little sad to me.  …for them, that is.  *I* wouldn’t ever want to be caught dead in them again.  But, I know how much I HATED being trapped in those dresses and how much we felt we stood out initially when we put on the “then-skater” “pac sun girl” kinds of clothes (because the “punk/borderline-goth” clothes we wanted to wear at the time would’ve been completely forbidden) for the first time.  So, I can only imagine they’re feeling the same.  Especially when we now have a hairstyle that can’t really be made feminine.  Maybe that’s what would make it look so wrong.  We always kept our hair able to at least be styled to a “softer look” to appease my parents.  But lately it’s hard to make it look “girly”.  So, we’d look so ODD in a dress when we clearly scream dyyyyyyke!  Baha. It’s so true, though.  Like, this picture above….?  There was a time we would’ve worn something like that and NOT just for a photo.  And would be in a stitch of convulsive laughter if something like that was ever put on this body again because it would just look SO. WRONG.  …..so this is to my girly girls.  I’m sorry that we’ve deviated SO far from that and are finally feeling safe enough to be more us.  I’m sorry it’s been that way for just long enough that we can’t conceive of wearing/presenting as you feel most comfortable.  We still don’t dress quite like we want because it’s still not totally safe to do so, but I know for many inside it’s still much too much.  And, I remember how hard that was for me back then. ….but they’re still riddled with old beliefs/messages/scripts that dressing as we are right now will get us hurt.  So they aren’t just feeling misrepresented, but often terrified and threatened and endangered.  I never had to worry about that while I was being “misrepresented”, because they were doing our parents “proud”.

So, this if for you girls.  Charlie, Katie, Molly, Sarah, Abby, Emily, Addie, Rachael, Sydney, Sinead.  <333

1 week ago | 1,813 notes
-obvi this is totally Annie.  but after that post we did awhile ago of showing her at different ages; I think I would have to say this was still more early twenties Annie.  even though she (like all of us) has remained looking very young for her age).-insiders; DOWNSTAIRS: Annie Lorelei // (when she was in her early 20&#8217;s; currently 31)

-obvi this is totally Annie.  but after that post we did awhile ago of showing her at different ages; I think I would have to say this was still more early twenties Annie.  even though she (like all of us) has remained looking very young for her age).-
insiders; DOWNSTAIRS: Annie Lorelei // (when she was in her early 20’s; currently 31)

1 week ago | 3 notes
-though this shirt-dress is a little not-so-Landon; I showed this to Jenn (er, Jess) the other day and even she saw Landon in it.  called her a heartbreaker, which made me laugh.  so true.  there are pieces of this that others could see/take from this that AREN&#8217;T very Landon; but she&#8217;s such a hardass with a touch of grunge in her.  it fits.-insiders: Landon Kate // 19

-though this shirt-dress is a little not-so-Landon; I showed this to Jenn (er, Jess) the other day and even she saw Landon in it.  called her a heartbreaker, which made me laugh.  so true.  there are pieces of this that others could see/take from this that AREN’T very Landon; but she’s such a hardass with a touch of grunge in her.  it fits.-
insiders: Landon Kate // 19

1 week ago | 2 notes
-aww, she&#8217;s just a lil too big to be the size of October, though she&#8217;s just as sunny and smiley as this pup.  but, he still looks a lot like Conor-

-aww, she’s just a lil too big to be the size of October, though she’s just as sunny and smiley as this pup.  but, he still looks a lot like Conor-

1 week ago | 47,738 notes
-this is supery-dupery Morganne!  no doubt; even though it&#8217;s a lil girly ;) sorry morgZ-insiders: Morganne Zirell // 17

-this is supery-dupery Morganne!  no doubt; even though it’s a lil girly ;) sorry morgZ-
insiders: Morganne Zirell // 17

1 week ago | 13 notes
-younger Sydney if she ever got to be-insiders: Sydney Rebekah a lil younger // currently 29

-younger Sydney if she ever got to be-
insiders: Sydney Rebekah a lil younger // currently 29

1 week ago | 6,692 notes
-awww, Abby&#8217;s tiny arms, helping Emily with her butterflies; though Emmy would only save a flutterbye after it died on its own.  &#8230;.which hardly EVER happens.-insiders: Abigail &#8220;Abby&#8221; Riley // 15

-awww, Abby’s tiny arms, helping Emily with her butterflies; though Emmy would only save a flutterbye after it died on its own.  ….which hardly EVER happens.-
insiders: Abigail “Abby” Riley // 15

1 week ago | 5 notes
-omg.  i can&#8217;t even handle it.  that is so our Charlie if I ever saw her!!  i&#8217;m dying.-insiders: Charlotte &#8220;Charlie&#8221; Taegan // 5

-omg.  i can’t even handle it.  that is so our Charlie if I ever saw her!!  i’m dying.-
insiders: Charlotte “Charlie” Taegan // 5

2 weeks ago | 69 notes
-hahaha!  such a CJ picture if I ever saw one!-insiders: Caedence Joplin &#8220;CJ&#8221; Jade // 18

-hahaha!  such a CJ picture if I ever saw one!-
insiders: Caedence Joplin “CJ” Jade // 18

2 weeks ago | 98 notes
insiders: Sydney Rebekah // now 29

insiders: Sydney Rebekah // now 29

2 weeks ago
-i don&#8217;t think there&#8217;s a soul following this blog that knows anything about us that doesn&#8217;t know those are Annie&#8217;s hands!-insiders; DOWNSTAIRS: Annie Lorelei // now 31

-i don’t think there’s a soul following this blog that knows anything about us that doesn’t know those are Annie’s hands!-
insiders; DOWNSTAIRS: Annie Lorelei // now 31

2 weeks ago | 1,488 notes
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