where the rest of us go to feel normal

Hey all.  I’m just about to go to bed since I have session tomorrow, but I wanted to give you a slightly more official post that says that I’m hoooome.  I’ve been out of the hospital for just over two weeks and home for exactly two.  Naturally, as you can see, I’m taking a very slow re-integration period back into the tumblrsphere :) :)  As much as this place is a refuge, it can also be overwhelming, so I’m just taking my time and not letting myself be completely immersed in the internet right upon getting home.  (I unfortunately also came home to a week of non-stop migraines that wouldn’t let up.  My final *exhaustive* week there, some additional external stressors/more-like-terrors, the endless amounts of draining travel on the train and by car, annnnd the considerable climate change from New Orleans in August to PA….????  It apparently was a bit too much on my body.)  I’m doing better now, physically, and wanted to be sure that I left my beloved followers a hello and the respect and attention you deserve.  Jenn is actually coming this weekend, so it’s pretty unlikely that I’ll be hoping online again anytime super soon, but hopefully I’ll get back into the swing of things soon and will have a moment to catch up on all of your lives.  Thank you too all of you who wrote letters, sent cards and/or gifts, reblogged or shared my fundraiser, and/or (of course) donated yourselves.  The outpouring of support and love was astounding and I cannot thank you enough.

My admission was tremendously helpful.  I’m sure that I’ll give a more thorough review/update of all that we worked on and what we accomplished while we were there.  The biggest thing was just that we shared The Woods memories in their entirety and did a substantial amount of trauma resolution work around it.  For about another week or so, I (Nikhi) will likely still be here a bit more often than Kristie; but we’ve been re-integrating her back into the day-to-day world for the past couple of weeks.  It’s been going well and, after seven or so months, you’ll finally have her back.  Since we’ve returned, right away we’ve begun sharing The Woods with Stefanie and catching her up on allllll the horrific things we shared with Jeff (our therapist at River Oaks).  So, we’re basically repeating a lot of what we just did, going detail-by-detail every horrifying, unspeakable element of those memories — only THIS timeeee??  We actually have to connect to our feelings about it all and go into more detail instead of just getting the events of the weekend out.  It’s already been incredibly grueling, but our symptoms and flashbacks have decreased dramatically, we aren’t spending a fraction as much of our day blind, and of course our suicidal ideation/etc is much much more manageable.  We’re better, but not “well”.  It wasn’t a cure-all or really even something that made us soar — but that wasn’t its intent.  It just got us back on our feet again and stable and able to safely live our life again.

Speaking of ‘back on our feet’ — unfortunately, there’s been no change in our physical health.  We are still in a wheelchair and just as frequently struggling with immense pain/heat/swelling/the gamut of symptoms. 

But, not to end on a bad note, I do need to get myself to bed.  Jenn will be here tomorrow and we need to rest up before doing a day of memory processing before seeing herrrrrr!!!  Thank you all for your love and support the past couple of months. I’m sure I’ll be around more often shortly <333  Sorry if this was filled with grammar/spelling errors.  I was much too tired to re-read or edit it.  Ha.

4 days ago | 24 notes
It&#8217;s true!! #homewardbound #btw #ispendwaytoomuchtimeworkingontextgrams (at Union Station, Washington D.C.)

It’s true!! #homewardbound #btw #ispendwaytoomuchtimeworkingontextgrams (at Union Station, Washington D.C.)

2 weeks ago | 15 notes
Help me survive? A GoFundMe made for my hospitalization. ⇝

I know that many of you have asked how you could help.  Many even suggested making a fundraiser.  ….but when I knew I’d need over 70k, it didn’t even seem worth it.  But, a friend of my mother’s started this for me.   I edited some of the content, so it’s personalized.  Since my mother and I can’t post it to our Facebook’s etc (to protect my anonymity) and garner our friends/family support, you guys are really my only other family.  And, I know that most of you are just kids, or are poor too and just trying to get treatment yourselves.  But.  I have to try.  Maybe even just reblog this?  Someone sensitive to cPTSD/DID might be able to help, or know someone else to pass it along to that can.  Share it, tweet it, hashtag it for others to track.  I’ve seen some pretty small things get around tumblr like wildfire.  I’ve also been guilty of not reblogging for others when they go around because I doubt the sincerity of their needs.  I understand if you feel the same; or your OCD is getting to you, too, and you just can’t figure out how to make that reblog “fit” in with your blog.  (Been there, done that, too — I understand when the puzzle just can’t be cracked.)  ….But, I am genuine.  Probably even over-apologetically so.  I haven’t even added the “Oh yeah, and I’m in a wheelchair” bit to this plea, but I still don’t have the money it takes to save my life.  So, I am asking for your support.  And, if that only comes in shares, that’s still something to me.  Put it on Facebook, where the rich folks are; it doesn’t have to stay on tumblr!  (I can’t, or I would.)  If my parents have to pay for all of this….??  Please understand what that will do to me (or get creative and imagine).  We may actually have sue my insurance company later for their gross negligence, but I’d really rather not.  I feel silly doing this as it is.  But a dollar from each of you that you don’t spend on an iTunes track would add up to well beyond most of the travel expenses.  So, I had to try.  Here it is.  I begin treatment in two days.  If this terror wasn’t looming over my head, maybe I’d stand a chance at focusing on my treatment, and not all the ways I’ll be eternally indebted to my parents.  Here’s the real blurb:

2 months ago | 96 notes

Hey guys.  I just wanted to let you know, if you haven’t seen on any of my other social media, that we’ll be leaving to go inpatient today.  We can’t check in until Tuesday, so I’ll likely still have a couple days in the hotel to be on my computer to say hi/bye again (after a VERRRY long train ride).  But, I wanted to give you all a heads up just in case the opportunity doesn’t really present itself.  If you all want to cross fingers, toes, arms, eyes and feet that insurance FINALLY comes through and pays for me, I could use all the positive energy in that direction that I could get. Right now it looks as if we’ll be having to pay out of pocket and, well, you don’t need to know much about me/my story to know why that’s just the worst thing ever. 

Also, I know that some of you have asked for an address to write me or have sent wonderful things our way in the past to inpatient centers, so I’ll include the address here as well:

Kristie [see below]
New Orleans Institute: Trauma-based Disorders
River Oaks Hospital
1525 River Oaks Road West
New Orleans, LA 70123
[now, about my last name….of course that must be added, but I can’t allow my name to become googleable since i’m the only one in the world.  so, you can either ask around OR use this, which is my last name backwards: ylnoKcM ]

I hope you all take care, and we really really really appreciate ALL the messages that we’ve gotten recently — and our apologies for not having the time to answer them all.  <33

2 months ago | 16 notes
……oh photos like this actually make me miss Home.  but, life out here with Jenn is better than some fluffy clouds.  if only she could come with me inside, it&#8217;d be the best of both worlds. :) 

……oh photos like this actually make me miss Home.  but, life out here with Jenn is better than some fluffy clouds.  if only she could come with me inside, it’d be the best of both worlds. :) 

2 months ago | 20,789 notes
The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patient. You are healing.

~ Yasmin Mogahed

2 months ago | 46,017 notes
-aww, something about this &#8212;simple as it is&#8212; reminds me of lil Jae-insiders: Jaelyn &#8220;lil Jae&#8221; Noelle // 3

-aww, something about this —simple as it is— reminds me of lil Jae-
insiders: Jaelyn “lil Jae” Noelle // 3

2 months ago | 11,172 notes
-if you mixed alllll the faces of the trio of gals who are SO connected to one another you&#8217;d get this lovely face.   Emily, Abby and Addie.  the fact that she&#8217;s surrounded by Emmy&#8217;s flutterbies is just so perfect.-insider mashup: Emily, Abby and Addie // 16, 15, 17

-if you mixed alllll the faces of the trio of gals who are SO connected to one another you’d get this lovely face.   Emily, Abby and Addie.  the fact that she’s surrounded by Emmy’s flutterbies is just so perfect.-
insider mashup: Emily, Abby and Addie // 16, 15, 17

2 months ago | 12 notes
-omgosh, omgosh, omgosh.  okay, so i know we’ve tried relentlessly to describe the bedroom level of our home.  and how, there’s this small little balcony that overlooks the circle of bedrooms — so that if you’re standing RIGHT outside your bedroom door and look straight up, there will be this little overhead with a railing around it.  now, this is certainly a very very tiny version of that (the overhang itself goes the entiiiiire perimeter of the bedroom level, so it&#8217;s probably over ten times the circumference of this little &#8216;circle&#8217; here), but it’s still such a strong similarity, it had to be shared.  BUT.  the part that’s so exciting to us is that, even though it has very similar embellishments (despite the railing itself actually being black), ours is just a circle without any of the points and curves.  and THIS makes us want so so soooo badly to modify ours to have some of these curves and just…fancy it up!!  what a fantastic idea!!  now, the other thing that’s different is that you see a significant amount of the ceiling before the ‘hole’ (by virtue that this isn&#8217;t an overhead and is just a space in the above floor).  there’s only a couple feet worth from the wall that supports the bedroom doors before the lip of the balcony.  annnnd, up through that hole (which, as I said is muchhhhhh much wider) is a massive expanse up the a huge, convex, almost-dome-like glass ceiling.  it’s wildly beautiful.  this gave such excitement inside and inspiration to modify the overhang of what’s actually the “skywalk” to walk on from the reverse side on the floor above.  yayyy-

-omgosh, omgosh, omgosh.  okay, so i know we’ve tried relentlessly to describe the bedroom level of our home.  and how, there’s this small little balcony that overlooks the circle of bedrooms — so that if you’re standing RIGHT outside your bedroom door and look straight up, there will be this little overhead with a railing around it.  now, this is certainly a very very tiny version of that (the overhang itself goes the entiiiiire perimeter of the bedroom level, so it’s probably over ten times the circumference of this little ‘circle’ here), but it’s still such a strong similarity, it had to be shared.  BUT.  the part that’s so exciting to us is that, even though it has very similar embellishments (despite the railing itself actually being black), ours is just a circle without any of the points and curves.  and THIS makes us want so so soooo badly to modify ours to have some of these curves and just…fancy it up!!  what a fantastic idea!!  now, the other thing that’s different is that you see a significant amount of the ceiling before the ‘hole’ (by virtue that this isn’t an overhead and is just a space in the above floor).  there’s only a couple feet worth from the wall that supports the bedroom doors before the lip of the balcony.  annnnd, up through that hole (which, as I said is muchhhhhh much wider) is a massive expanse up the a huge, convex, almost-dome-like glass ceiling.  it’s wildly beautiful.  this gave such excitement inside and inspiration to modify the overhang of what’s actually the “skywalk” to walk on from the reverse side on the floor above.  yayyy-

2 months ago | 64,954 notes
-oh another perfect &#8220;insider relationship&#8221; shot.  lil Jae (left) and Charlie don&#8217;t get to spend toooo much time together, but when they do, Charlie just always has to shower her with love.  since Molly&#8217;s been suffering so much lately, lil Jae&#8217;s come downstairs (not &#8220;Downstairs&#8221;, just down a flight) to hang out with Charlie and Katie more &#8212; so, we&#8217;ve gotten to see this a lot more.  which, is great, because lil Jae&#8217;s needed that as much as Charlie, Katie and all the kids.  on another note, this just looks a lot like them.  sure, there are always differences, but the similarities are excellent.-insiders: Jaelyn Noelle (3) // Charlotte &#8220;Charlie&#8221; Taegan (5)

-oh another perfect “insider relationship” shot.  lil Jae (left) and Charlie don’t get to spend toooo much time together, but when they do, Charlie just always has to shower her with love.  since Molly’s been suffering so much lately, lil Jae’s come downstairs (not “Downstairs”, just down a flight) to hang out with Charlie and Katie more — so, we’ve gotten to see this a lot more.  which, is great, because lil Jae’s needed that as much as Charlie, Katie and all the kids.  on another note, this just looks a lot like them.  sure, there are always differences, but the similarities are excellent.-
insiders: Jaelyn Noelle (3) // Charlotte “Charlie” Taegan (5)

2 months ago | 376 notes
insiders: Sydney Rebekah // 28-of course!-

insiders: Sydney Rebekah // 28
-of course!-

2 months ago | 7,390 notes
-soooo, the adorable little blonde is a little too tall to be lil Jae (3) and just a tad too tiny to be Molly (7). &#8230;and I really do mean only &#8216;just a tad&#8217; bc Molly is an incredibly tiny seven-yr-old.  but, that&#8217;s still Rae.  beautiful Rae always there for our kiddos.  this is a beautiful image.  it reminds me of Rae and Molly, even if she&#8217;s a bit little!-insiders: Rachael Avery (28) // a too-little version of Molly ;)

-soooo, the adorable little blonde is a little too tall to be lil Jae (3) and just a tad too tiny to be Molly (7). …and I really do mean only ‘just a tad’ bc Molly is an incredibly tiny seven-yr-old.  but, that’s still Rae.  beautiful Rae always there for our kiddos.  this is a beautiful image.  it reminds me of Rae and Molly, even if she’s a bit little!-
insiders: Rachael Avery (28) // a too-little version of Molly ;)

2 months ago | 36 notes
&#8230;&#8230;just a beautiful shot of some of Emily&#8217;s flutterbyes.

……just a beautiful shot of some of Emily’s flutterbyes.

2 months ago | 1,797 notes
-aw, now THIS is a great image of Sinead.  that mystery, but the neverending intrigue.  she&#8217;s always hiding, curious to learn something by observing.  forever a little elf.-insiders: Sinead Erynette // 28

-aw, now THIS is a great image of Sinead.  that mystery, but the neverending intrigue.  she’s always hiding, curious to learn something by observing.  forever a little elf.-
insiders: Sinead Erynette // 28

2 months ago | 2 notes
-so. much. love. for this shot.  I know i’ve found a lot of images of addie and abby individually lately, but this is SO perfect of both of them.  right down to Addie’s piercing blue eyes, the hearts on their shirts, the specific TYPE of beauty they individually possess that differs from one another; their friendship and connectedness.  ugh.  i fucking love it.  so much. it’s perfect.-insiders: Adelle “Addie” Sedonah and Abigail “Abby” Riley // 17 and 15

-so. much. love. for this shot.  I know i’ve found a lot of images of addie and abby individually lately, but this is SO perfect of both of them.  right down to Addie’s piercing blue eyes, the hearts on their shirts, the specific TYPE of beauty they individually possess that differs from one another; their friendship and connectedness.  ugh.  i fucking love it.  so much. it’s perfect.-
insiders: Adelle “Addie” Sedonah and Abigail “Abby” Riley // 17 and 15

2 months ago | 441 notes
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